Recently my dad passed away, and every since i have been finding myself missing him more then when he was alive, i donno how silly that really sounds. but any how seems to make sense. i find my self every day wishing i had said stuff to him that i wanted or rather need to say, but didnt. i always wonder if he knew how much he realy ment to me? when my dad passed away, there really wasnt much to say. mostly just sat in silance. it's very hard for me to want to talk about my dad, but at the same time i find it very helpful to talk about him. i guess writting this blog is a small part of finding my way into greaving him. saying what is on my mind, so that i get on with me. thismorning i looked at my oldest son, and how he looks so much like his papa, some of the small things he does reminds me of my dad. so funny walking the kids to school thismorning, i started to notice that he walks just like my dad did. how funny is that. i guess i been thinking alot of my dad since he passed, and feeling very guilty that i wasnt there when i should have been. i spent most of this past year driving back and forth from NC to MI to help take care of my dad, and spend time with him as much as i could. and still to me it just didnt feel like it was enough. i wish had spent more time with him. i cant change the past, but i can learn from them, that is somthing he would say most often.
This past summer, i watched as my dad slowly became week. The hardest part was watching how he knew what was happening. somtimes he acted silly and knew that he was, and other times, he didnt realize it, and it wasnt like he knew that he was going to go. because he did. the last day that i had seen my dad leading up to it, i don't realy know or can explain what was going on, my sister called me on a thursday morning, and said that i needed to come back up to MI dad was getting worse. so i made the last second decition to go back up, i drove all day and night, with out resting and i cant explain how, but i had some kind of odd energy that i never got before. when i got to my dad's to sit and be with him, we sat in silance. later that night he passed away. i was sad, but at the same time i thought to myself, he's no longer in pain.
the hardset part of that, was seeing my sister in pain. she had been travaling back and forth from tx to mi for years takeing care of my dad, trying every thing in her power to save my dad's life, trying to find away to rid his cancer. i guess you could say i was more worried about her then i was about my own feelings that morning. all i wanted to do as a big sister, as i would feel the same being a mom, was to take all that hurt away. but i couldnt. nothing i could say could take her hurt away.
it's been almost 3 months now since the day, and still i wish i could unburden my sister's pain.
The journey in witch my dad had lived, i belive to be a great one. he was in the koren conflict, had 9 children and married twice. and had lots of grand children. for that, he was the greatest man to me.
